The orgasmic jukebox plays protest songs on Valentine’s Day. Why? Because Valentine’s Day and orgasms go together like Kanye West and humble pie.
Originally Valentine’s Day belonged to the church and the martyr Saint Valentine who, like the G-spot, little of consequence is known. However Saint Valentine apparently bore a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerberg…
The first recorded association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love is Geoffrey Chaucer’s Parlement of Foules:
For this was on seynt Volantyns day/Whan every bryd comyth there to chese his make.
Translation from olde English: Valentine’s Day is for the fucking birds.
Today Valentine’s Day holds couples in bondage to high expectations, beholden to the dominatrix of commercialism . Here are three reasons to tell Valentine’s Day to go make unsatisfying love to itself this year:
1. Orgasms thrive in an environment lush with pleasing sensations of touch, taste and smell. Being jammed cheek to jowl with fellow Valentine sufferers into a restaurant with a fixed menu and premium prices is a violation of our primal need for comfort and our executive need for good value.
2. Valentine’s Day is in love with alcohol. Alcohol is pubic enemy number one. Nothing dulls the senses and mutes the orgasm while simultaneously and cruelly removing sexual inhibitions than alcohol.
3. This year Fifty Shades of Grey is cashing in on Valentine’s Day. At the local Come Depot, they’re stocking up on bondage supplies and bracing for questions on best rope bondage knots, while emergency rooms across the country are bracing for fifty thousand shades of sex injury.
Rather than fall prey to shades of grey, read the following orgasm-rich passage…
My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
Until I even believe that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.
I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
From Every Day You Play (Pablo Neruda)
And now, a song to accompany doing what spring does with the cherry trees…Represent by Orishas. You can download it to your orgasmic jukebox here.