Here’s a no brainer selection for our orgasmic jukebox on Valentine’s Day. Outkast’s Happy Valentine’s Day. As usual the wordplay is weird and wonderful. I mean, who would think of the line: “Would I like for you to take me to Pluto?”/I said, “Of course.” Pluto’s cold, but this song is hot! Happy Valentine’s Day from DJ Svutlana and the Orgasmic Jukebox.
The orgasmic jukebox plays protest songs on Valentine’s Day. Why? Because Valentine’s Day and orgasms go together like Kanye West and humble pie.
Originally Valentine’s Day belonged to the church and the martyr Saint Valentine who, like the G-spot, little of consequence is known. However Saint Valentine apparently bore a striking resemblance to Mark Zuckerberg…
The first recorded association of Valentine’s Day with romantic love is Geoffrey Chaucer’s Parlement of Foules:
For this was on seynt Volantyns day/Whan every bryd comyth there to chese his make.
Translation from olde English: Valentine’s Day is for the fucking birds.
Today Valentine’s Day holds couples in bondage to high expectations, beholden to the dominatrix of commercialism . Here are three reasons to tell Valentine’s Day to go make unsatisfying love to itself this year:
1. Orgasms thrive in an environment lush with pleasing sensations of touch, taste and smell. Being jammed cheek to jowl with fellow Valentine sufferers into a restaurant with a fixed menu and premium prices is a violation of our primal need for comfort and our executive need for good value.
2. Valentine’s Day is in love with alcohol. Alcohol is pubic enemy number one. Nothing dulls the senses and mutes the orgasm while simultaneously and cruelly removing sexual inhibitions than alcohol.
3. This year Fifty Shades of Grey is cashing in on Valentine’s Day. At the local Come Depot, they’re stocking up on bondage supplies and bracing for questions on best rope bondage knots, while emergency rooms across the country are bracing for fifty thousand shades of sex injury.
Rather than fall prey to shades of grey, read the following orgasm-rich passage…
My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
Until I even believe that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells, dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.
I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
From Every Day You Play (Pablo Neruda)
And now, a song to accompany doing what spring does with the cherry trees…Represent by Orishas. You can download it to your orgasmic jukebox here.
One of the key principles in our Oh-Oh-Oh Manifest-O is to feed yourself orgasm-rich food. To that end, the ODS Foundation has loaded an Orgasmic Jukebox with songs to rouse your senses. Each week we’ll recommend an orgasmic song for you to add to your foreplaylist.
The first song in our jukebox is Rock the Boat by Aaliyah. The New Yorker calls this song a state of extended ecstasy. We call it an orgasmic ear truffle.
Put that thing in overdrive and download Rock the Boat here.
You can help us eradicate orgasm deficiency syndrome by suggesting songs for our orgasmic jukebox in the comment section down below.
Here at the ODS Foundation we are total sex geeks and Dr Meredith Chivers of Queens University in Kingston Ontario is one of our most cherished heroes. Canada has produced a disproportionate number of world-renowned sex researchers–Dr Lori Brotto (UBC) Dr Jim Pfaus (Concordia) and Dr Cindy Meston (PhD UBC)–and of course a number of highly active sex practitioners. This proves beyond a scientific doubt that Canada is the sexiest country on earth.
Meredith Chivers’ first exposure to sexuality in the academic world came as she sought a break from undergraduate courses in biophysics and biochemistry. She chose a “easy” course, a class in sexuality. One day the professor showed slides of genitalia. A penis appeared. The class sat in rapt silence. Then the folds of a vulva, labia in a tight close up. The class reeled in disgust with a chorus of “Eeews” mostly coming from women. Chivers couldn’t belief the reaction, but she wanted to understand it. In the study of women’s response to sexual stimuli she found a career.
For our fellow sex geeks, here is a short video of Dr Chivers at the World Science Festival pondering the puzzle of heterosexual women with a group of rapt men and, if you have an hour to delve deeply into vaginal photoplethysmography and what it tells us about female sexuality, a lecture Dr Chivers gave at Michigan State University.
Ladies, do you find the image below stimulating?
Based on the research of Professor Meredith Chivers at Queens University in Kingston, your mind may have found bonobo sex somewhat off-putting, but your body had an entirely different response. If you are a heterosexual woman there is a very good chance that at this moment you are turned on. If you are a lesbian you are also turned on but perhaps not quite as much. Heterosexual women are turned on by depictions of heterosexual sex, male and female masturbation, gay sex, lesbian sex and bonobo sex, yet in Professor Chivers’ studies they would only admit to arousal from depictions of heterosexual encounters.
Using a vaginal photoplethysmograph that measures changes in blood flow to the vagina, Professor Chivers determined that women’s mental arousal and physical arousal were often at odds, but men’s minds and bodies were entirely in sync. What you’d expect to turn on a straight guy or gay guy turns them on both mentally and physically.
So what’s going on? Are heterosexual women omnisexual? Here at the ODS Foundation we would like to think so because if everything turns women on, all women have to do to increase the world’s supply of orgasms is start paying closer attention to sexual stimuli in the environment and how their bodies are reacting.
The ODS Foundation is attempting to find a supplier of vaginal photoplethysmographs that would enable women to monitor their arousal throughout the day. If we could find a reliable supplier, we could then mass market photoplethysmographs at WalMart next to the Durex vibrating bullet.
In case you were wondering, here is what a vaginal photoplethysmograph looks like:
Such a device would give women what men already have in their penis: a real-time measure of arousal. Unfortunately they would have to sit perfectly still and monitor their vaginal pulse amplitude on their laptop.
Surely some enterprising company can design a feminine tracking device that would monitor arousal and send orgasmic alerts to your phone…
YOUR LADY BITS ARE ENGORGED. SEEK ORGASM IMMEDIATELY!
Even if you don’t have a vaginal photoplethysmograph or clitbit there is something you can do to train yourself to notice signs of physical arousal. Doing a daily body scan meditation will open up the mind-body channel and attune you to the gentle throbs of excitement as they occur.
You can find an excellent body scan that takes less than 10 minutes here.
Have a throbbing day!
The ODS Foundation